


Do it for Him

by Oneroika_Lunae



Series: Space Love Story [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: And angst, Finn and Poe ship them so much, Hux has the patience of a Saint, I know the Major Character Death warning is a little alarming, I promise you trash and fluff, I'm Sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't help the last one, In case I end up killing someone, Is just a warning, Kylo is a drama queen, M/M, Nazi Space Husbands, Ren the Handyman, Ren the cleaning man, Same friend who dragged me into the trash, Space Snow White, that I might, the trashiest trashy part of the trash can, this is for a friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-03-02
Packaged: 2018-05-16 17:18:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5833981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oneroika_Lunae/pseuds/Oneroika_Lunae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren's return to the light. </p><p>In the end Snoke was responsible for the very same thing He was so desperatly trying to avoid. </p><p>Leia's son was returned to her, but the damage might be to great to repair.</p><p>Finn's kindness and Poe's understanding are a balm for sore wounds. ( Poe's understanding will take a while. Finn on the other hand fell in the trashcan when he saw how Ren behaved around Hux)</p><p>And in the center of all this mess, General Hux awaits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A bloody warning

**Author's Note:**

> There is going to be angst, followed by fluff, and puns and jokes and more angst and fluff.   
> Hope you like it

Kylo Ren was furious. 

He had been here for hours, hearing nothing but How He was a failure, and How He royaly messed up this time.

He needed to break something. Or even better, break those two stupid children's neck.

This communication with the Supremme Leader Snoke was to plan the next attack on the rebels, not to belittle him and scold him like He was a child.

He could feel Hux presence by his side, warm and conforting, and the expresión of veiled rage on the redhead's face made him want to smile. But he couldn't afford it while in the presence of the Leader. 

"And there It is again, the call of the Light, growing stronger at every passing day" Kylo Ren hung his head in shame. It was true, he was weak, he could feel himself slipping away from the grasp of the Darkness. But Kylo Ren didn't know what to do. The death of Han Solo didn't solve the problem, it made it worse. Leia was strong in the force and her mourning pierced Kylo Ren's heart. He tried to make it stop. He tried. But no amount of pain could silence his mother's grieve.

"I'm sorry Master, I fight it Master"

"And Yet, It's not enough" Snoke said. Kylo couldn't even look at him. he was a failure, he knew, but he tried as hard as he could to change. It wasn't an excuse though. "Kylo Ren, you must not stray. There are two you failed to kill already. You will hunt Skywalker and that Scavenger down and eliminate them. But for this task, you can't afford to be weak" Kylo Ren winced at the word. One thing was thinking It yourself and other very diferent was to have It thrown at your face. 

There was a light sound of fabric when Hux came to stand by Kylo Ren "Supreme Leader, the events occured on The Starkiller Base will not be repeated. I can assure you that much. The girl is strong in the force, nothing else. Kylo Ren has expressed his interest in taking her as padawan, and that was the reason why She's still alive. The only thing that kept Skywalker breathing was his dissapearence. Now that he's back, We will find a way to kill him. Lord Ren's loyalty and compromise to the cause was proved when he ended Han Solo's life, Sir."

Kylo Ren felt a warm feeling in his chest. Hux spoke in a way that didn't gave any clues about his friendship with him, or the fact that both of them were very fond of each other. His reasoning was perfect, not a trace of sentiment on it, only raw facts.

"Of course It won't happen again. This calling shall be eradicated at once, I will have you give yourself to the dark side completely. Mind, Heart, and Soul"

"Yes Master. Of course, Master" Kylo Ren clenched his fists and bit down hard on his cheek to keep from throwing a tantrum. 

"What do you mean Leader Snoke?" asked Hux. That put Kylo Ren on alert. The general's tone was tense, something was wrong. What had Hux notice that he hasn't? He raised his head to meet the Leader's eyes, what he saw left him frozen to the spot. His eyes were cruel and had a pleased gleam. Kylo Ren was going to be punished for this, and Snoke will enjoy it. Hux moved, Kylo noticed that he was turning towards him, ready to protect in case of need. 

The leader made a gesture, and a gun went off. He tried to fend off the bolt, but something collided with him and he ended on the floor. He jumped to his feet ready to attack, lightsaber tinting his face red with it's light. The weapon fell from his hands and made a loud sound when impacted with the floor and the laser blades disappeared. Kylo Ren fell on his knees beside the limp form claded in the black uniform. He held Hux on his arms, and cried. He couldn't help It. He was so pale, his skin was like snow. He craddled the other man while he tried to process what just happened.

"The call of the light will fade now" Snoke's voice cut through his chest and Kylo Ren was blinded by a fierce need to destroy. To rip him to shreds, to destroy everything and everyone." Now you can belong to the Dark side, completely"

They let him take Hux to his room. But they didn't bring any medical droid, even after his threats. 

They let him have Hux, but only to watch him die slowly before his eyes.

While Kylo Ren watched the redhead became paler and paler, he didn't felt the darkness anymore. This was what his mother had felt. Was feeling, right now. This was what he had delivered to uncountable families. Friends.

Lovers.

If this is what the Darkness meant, he didn't want it. 

Not this pain.

Not this black hole in his chest.

Not Hux's life as a sacrifice for his own flaws.

He couldn't bear it. He wasn't going to allow It.

It wasn't difficult to reach the hangar. Kylo Ren, lightsaber in hand, using the force to float Hux behind him, with an improvised bandage keeping what little blood he had inside his body. Once there, he took a middle sized ship and took off to space.

He wasn't going to give up. There was a warmth around him, a sensation like a caress that he wasn't alone, and he was going to succeed. 

He heard a voice, and he knew, somehow, that, for the first time in his life, his granfather spoke to him through the force.

"Love can change a heart. It can dragg it into Darkness, and It can lead it to the light"

For the second time, Kylo Ren cried. After all this time....

It felt right.


	2. Prodigal Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux's condition is not improving. Kylo Ren needs to act or else the former general will surely die. What would you do, for love? What would you surrender? Kylo Ren needs to answer this questions, and quickly.

He had checked on Hux at least twice on the last fifteen minutes, and he couldn't help but rise again to make sure the former general was still breathing. He even considered sealing the wound with his lightsaber, carefuly, using one of the guards, but even after he did it there was no visible improvement, and Hux's condition keep deteriorating fast. The internal damage could not be repared by the force or any of the things Kylo Ren had learn while in the service of the Dark Side. 

It was quite depressing, that none of the things he thought made him powerfull were so useless when it came to save the only person who loved him with all his flaws, his temper and his insecurities. Hux always saw the best of him, no matter how much they fought or shout at each other. It had been like that since their very first encounter. He sat by the sleeping man, who had not awoken since he had been shot, not even once. He entertained himself by watching the pale face he knew better than his own - not that he spent a lot of time looking at his own face, so much like theirs, so similar that reminded him of things that where better forgotten, of old wounds and pains he didn't even want to think about, even after Han Solo's... even after his Father's death- he tenderly caressed the orange locks, the pale - so terribly pale- cheecks, tracing some of the freckles, the patterns that surprisinly formed constellations his mind, since the first time he was able to saw the closely. 

Last of all he traced his lips. and rose from the bed where he was sitting before he started crying again. It wasn't a cry of absolute pain and grief like Leia's, ringing through the force across the Galaxy, hurting him even now. His were tears of regret, that didn't left his eyes, but stayed there, a bitter reminder of what he had done. Of what he had caused. 

He was lost. He never really belonged anywhere but by Hux's side, and now even that anchor was gone. Or will be gone, in less that a day, if he didn't came up with a plan. The territories controlled by the Order would know already of their betrayal. The rebels would destroy them before he had even time to pledge their case, and any other planet or system was for certan in the control of the mafias, and he didn't have anything but the ship to pay for the medical care or the protection they needed. 

He had taken Hux away, but he was dying all the same. 

The redhead stirred, his eyes fluttered, he whispered something. He was by his side before he registered the movement, kneeling by his bed and whispering reassuring nonsense in his ear. He babbled something, his name, he realised, and then fell unconscious again. Hux had moved his hand to try and touch his briefly, and Kylo Ren still had the other man's hand in his own. Love and tenderness filled his heart for the man that, at death's doors, calls for him, trusts him to be by his side and take care of him when he's at his weakest. 

The Force swirled and curled around Kylo Ren, no, Ren, only Ren now, not quite what he was before, and not the same he was at the begining. It was conforting him, encouraging him, giving him, or at least it seemed so, the strength he felt he lacked to act. Now he was sitting again before the console, triying to figure out the course to take, the path they both would walk, together, should it be life or death. The force came to him again, washing over him, cleaning him, or so it felt, until he felt reborn. Oh well, maybe not instant death, but revenge should do nicely if Hux didn't make it. Ren would go against the First Order, until none of them would be left standing. The Force curled around him again. Quite close, but not exactly what it had meant. Ren frowned. pursed his lips. No. They would pay. They would stop. He thought he heard something, but closed his eyes and concentrated on leaving his mind blank. He opened himself to the Force. not thinking about dark or light. Just The Force. It filled him. 

Ren wasn't Ren anymore, but many being, many lifes, some of them broken by Kylo Ren's actions, by the Order's, by fate or bad luck. The suffering of all the living things, bind together by the Force, no matter the degree of sensibility they had to it. He saw what caused It. He felt it. He saw the good thing too. The love, the friendship, the happiness. Ren saw the eveil he had done, and the good he could do, if he tried. But he couldn't live the life of a Jedi knight, or follow the code, and he couldn't go back to the Dark, after experimenting the pain it caused. There was no place for him at all, and he felt lost in the vast planes of his mind, linked with the force, in his body and not in it at all. 

Before he could panick, The Force came again. Gently, it surrounded him. Ren could feel the air move around him, so strong was the presence of the Force right now by his side. The answer came, just popped in his head, and the voice sometimes was Leia's sometimes Luke's sometimes Han's, It changed with every word. It was the voice of the Force. 

There is always a path, for the world is made of many differten colours and shades of those colours , not white and black. Not Darkness and Light. In his mind appeared, from long time ago, the notion of those sensible to the Force that walked the path between Dark and Light. Never belonging fully to them, always in control of their lifes. 

He could be one of those grey ones, if only he could find a balance.

The warmth of the Force grew, and he felt sleepy and drifted further into meditation. 

The idea of causing to others sucha terrible pain as he was feeling because of Hux's condition wasn't an option anymore. The idea of returning to the unfeeling ways of the Jedi didn't appealed him. The fight for justice and freedom wasn't really his thing. He didn't felt like a Hero, he was sure he would never be one. 

There were many who suffered. Many who, even when they wanted to change things, weren't strong enough. But they fought anyway, and they died. Sometimes they made a difference, and more often than not died for nothing. He needed a center. A purpouse that helped him find his true path.

Ren opened his eyes and stared into the blackness of deep space. 

He knew now.

It was there, the whole time.

But he had been so blind.

He set course, following the cry of pain he felt.

He spent the rest of the journey by Hux's side, until He came close enough that Leia's grief was everywhere, clouding his senses, and making him gasp for air. He shook his head, and got up to the console. He needed to concentrate now, and locate the ship he needed. The little vessel that belonged to Poe was not on patrol, but it moved gracefully anyway. Ren smiled for the first time in days - the last time Hux had been in much better condition and having lunch with Ren- Ren tok the control and flew the ship as to be hidden behind one of the smallest moons that circled the planet that was the rebels's headcuarters. The next part would be the more complicated. Not a chance for failure. A sigle opening and Poe would blast them away, no doubt. He went to give Hux a tender kiss and went to put his plan in practice. 

Hux was terribly pale.

Ans cold.

But he still draw breath, so Ren tried not to think of it.

But still...

When the ship came to the perfect spot, Ren called upon the force and seized the ship, cutting any posibility of comunication and rendering the guns useless. He dragged the ship towards his own, until they were acoplated and he was able open the latch of Poe's ship so he could come into his ship. Ren concentrated, triying to feel Poe' emotions, and found, to his surprise that he was not alone. The rogue strorm trooper was with him, and both of them were alert and ready for action. He willed the gates open and threw them into his own ship before the thin atmosphere of the moon and the gravity hurt them. He let go of the other ship, and he could feel the sweat trickling down his brow and the rest of his body. 

He dried his face the best he could with the hem of his robes, glanced nervously at Hux ' sleeping face and tried to comb his hair with trembling fingers. 

The voices were oming closer and closer, but Ren could not afford to be nervous. He couldn't so much was at stake...

"What the bloody hell??" said Poe

"Hi" answered Ren


	3. prodigal son II

"What the bloody hell??" said Poe

"Hi" answered Ren, using the Force to shield Hux’s unconscious body and himself. 

Finn aimed for his head, ready to fire. Ren put his hands before him, palms up, the universal sign for meaning no harm and complete surrender.  
“Wait, wait, wait, I haven’t come here to hurt you, I swear” He sighted. “Ah, it’s kind of complicated. I want to speak with m… with General Organa, If possible”

Finn lowered his weapon and looked at him like he had sprouted a second head while he wasn’t looking. He was even tempted to look, just in case he had. The boy’s eyes were big as saucers. Poe though, was tight lipped and had a thunderous expression in his face, the features twisted into a look of pure hatred, he tried to move Finn so he could shoot Ren straight in the head. 

“What are you waiting for? Finn!! Shoot him!!” He tried to push him out of his path again, but the former trooper didn’t move an inch, and in the end he was forced to try and make a shot for the less desirable position he was in. Ren tightened the shield and braced himself for the impact, but it didn’t even come close to them, just leaving a smoking hole in the ceiling. “Finn!!” He whined. There was no way the pilot could overpower the other man, visibly more buffed than he was “The bastard put you on a coma once, I’ll not risk you a second time” Finn put his hand on his chest, to stop him from doing anything else and to reassure him. Much had changed on the past years, and Finn, especially, was very different from the rogue trooper who knew nothing of the Galaxy. Stroking Poe’s chest, Finn smiled and then turned to face Ren. 

Ren had watched the exchange visibly uncomfortable and a kind of jealous. They seemed so at easy with each other, expressing their affection publicly and without restrains. Ren wished he could have done that with Hux. Not that Hux was affectionate in public, but Ren wished, and checked nervously to the unconscious form behind him. Was he even breathing? He didn’t have time for this. But then again, using the force wasn’t the best first impression. Well. Not the first… although it was Ren’s first impression. Not Ben or Kylo Ren.

He took his lightsaber and threw it at the pair’s feet. Poe tensed again but Finn just eyed him curiously.

He raised his hands again. Ren was sweating. He hadn’t noticed before, but he was nervous and was showing it. He could feel the droplets making their merry way from his forehead to his lips. 

The silence stretched for ten minutes, heavy and constraining, until Finn couldn’t take it anymore.

“Well. Are you explaining what the bloody hell are you doing in here? Or should that ginger over there bleed to death while we wait?” Ren nearly broke his neck from turning his head so fast, and ran to put more pressure into the dressing, somehow, it had come undone, and the wound was bleeding again. 

He didn’t turn to look at their faces, just concentrated in Hux’s pale form and the bandages under his hands. “He needs medical help. Leader Snoke betrayed us, and wants to kill us” He had only intended to kill Hux, but thinking that killing the general wasn’t killing Ren too was stupid, and Snoke’s biggest mistake to the date.

“I will do whatever you want, if you save his life. All the information you want, all the dirty deeds, all the unpleasant chores, if you just save him” and then, he swallowed, and added “please” coughed, and tried again, louder this time “Please. Please save him” He was trying his best to conceal the tears in his eyes while holding Hux’s limp hand, when he turned to face them. They were both stunned, not really believing what they were seeing. “Save him, and then, when we are not of use to you anymore, you can throw us into the furthest, most isolated place in the galaxy, never to be found again” 

Poe even dropped his weapon, mouth and eyes open wide with surprise. Finn, though, took charge of the situation immediately. 

“Poe, you have some medical training, make an evaluation of his condition, we will have to act quickly if he’s to live. Kylo Ren, stay where I can see you. I’m going to contact General Organa” Poe went straight to the bed and bent over Hux’s unconscious form, and started probing his wounds and taking his pulse, after a few minutes fussing over him, he straightened and grimaced. “Finn! This one is not going to make it if we don’t take him to the hospital right away!” Finn nodded. The information they could give the rebels would be well worth the try, and the risk. “You” said pointing at Ren “Stay there. Poe, take the General to the ship and back to headquarters” Finn saw Poe trying to object, but a single look silenced him. Nonetheless, Finn put the lightsaber Kylo Ren gave them before in Poe’s hand for safekeeping. Poe was holding Hux in is arms, but bent to Finn for a quick kiss on the cheek anyway. He glared at Ren all the way to the exit, and Ren stared anxiously at Hux, who had been too weak to even cry in pain when Poe manhandled him around. 

Now that Hux was not in the middle anymore, and that he was going to get some medical attention, at least he hoped they would attend him, Ren turned his head towards the ex-trooper.

“Before I even think of calling General Organa, tell me what the hell were you two doing in here” Finn was deadly serious. And Ren could feel the sweat running free once more. He averted his eyes. He wasn’t able to even look at him in the eye while admitting his weakness. He was that much of a coward and a failure. 

“I wasn’t strong enough” said Ren, and gritted his teeth until his whole jaw hurt “Not strong enough to resist the Light, or to leave the Darkness, and not strong enough to protect him” He swallowed, and it felt as if he was swallowing a giant rock, that had got stuck in his suddenly parched throat. Finn hadn’t moved an inch, and had not let anything show in his face.

“I wasn’t useful to Snoke anymore, so, he wanted to…” another nervous swallow, and Ren felt his throat constrict with unshed tears of pain and rage “He wanted to kill me, he ordered to kill me, but Hux… General Hux saved me. He doesn’t deserve to die” for Ren’s failures, but that went unsaid. 

“Why did you come here? Why to us? You could have gone anywhere else” Ren doubted for a minute or so, before answering, that Ren used to argue with himself if being sincere was strictly necessary, or if he could give a half truth and get away with it. He didn’t wanted them to know, that, after thinking that they were in need of protection and a helping hand, he had immediately thought of his parents and his uncle, and, had, of course, set course towards his mother, without really thinking of it at first, until he remembered he wasn’t a part of that family anymore, by his own doing, and that the mother he longed to hug would kill him on sight. Ren didn’t want to think about his dad. It made him angry with himself. He could have left with them in that moment. He could have embraced the Light and save himself and others pain and trouble. But Ren wasn’t going to left Hux behind, not when he believed the wretched whispers of the Dark Side, that promised not more pain, not more doubts, only, peace, and happiness, at least.

Ren opted for the half-truth, and hoped he wasn’t caught in his lies. 

“You would be interested on the First Order’s plans that we can provide, you would help us, where the others would rather kill us on sight or sell us to our enemies”

After that, Finn bound him tight and locked him up on the only room of the ship. Ren let his head hung as he was left in the darkness, and started to shiver uncontrollably. The Darkness that surrounded him felt oppressive and he was drowning on it. He shivered, he tried not to scream, but he could felt the landing, and no one came to take him out of the room. 

He tried to meditate, to repel the fear that clenched his heart, to extend his mind to where Hux was. But there was an invisible wall around him, keeping him apart from the Force, a prisoner in his own body. 

Several hours later he could take it anymore, and tried to get up, even with his hands and feet bounded tightly, and escape. He couldn’t bear the darkness anymore. He crashed with the table and the chair, with the walls, he pounded at the door, but no one came, and he was there, with the darkness, surrounded, prisoner, he scream until his throat was raw, and, in the distance, after the pain receded, he could hear Snoke’s horrible laughter. 

He was doing this to him. He had wanted to torture him, and now he was bound and kept in the shadows where he could reach him so easily. He was blocking his conection to the Force, he was the one who left him in shadows without the possibility to reach out to Hux.   
Hux.

Just as they hadn’t brought him water, or even food, no one had come to tell him if the General was alive.

He tried to breath normally again, but Snoke’s voice kept telling him about Hux’s death, pained, alone, and abandoned, with Ren close but not close enough to hold his hand and ease his pain while he passed away, he kept talking, about his failures, about Han Solo, and Leia, and Luke, and those other jedi’s and padawans he hunted and killed. Ren was being crushed under the weight of all his mistakes. He tried to escape again, and his head met a wall. Pain exploded in his skull as fireworks illuminated the darkness behind his eyelids. Snoke’s voice disappeared briefly.

Ren hit himself against the wall again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Until blood ran freely from his nose.

Until his forehead had several gashes.

Until the sound of his nose breaking had him moaning in pain for half an hour or more.

Until he couldn’t feel anymore , and unconsciousness welcomed him in it’s embrace.

He woke up, and kept hurting himself and meditating so Snoke’s voice was dulled to his senses.

Time enough passed that he felt the pain of hunger and his throat ached for some water.

He thought that they would leave him there to rot and die in his own filth, when the doors opened and guards came in, grimacing at the stench and his state, to put him in chains, and binders to control the use of the force, and drag him before the leaders of the rebellion.

Ren was blinded by the sudden brightness, but did not resist when they tossed and hit him, forcing him to walk through a corridor, though his eyes were to sensitive to make out his surroundings. A door opened, and he was force to kneel before the leaders. He rised his head, and the tears that had threatened to fall this past days ran down his face while his mother stared back at his and the pain he caused her ripped him apart from the inside out. 

"Ben"


	4. A much needed talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren has a very necessary talk with his mother, at last, and Leia gets some answers to her questions. On the side, the Resistance is a bunch of nosy dorks.

“Ben”

General Leia Organa looked at his son with something akin to awe in her eyes. It was the way one would look to some mythical creature you never thought you’ll see. Or the look one would give to the greatest treasure of the Galaxy, revealed before their eyes. It was the look a mother gave to her long lost son, after years separated.

Ren wished she would stop looking at him like that. He didn’t deserve the love in her eyes. The love he felt through the force coming in waves from where she stood. He cried harder, and saw the tears ran free in his mother’s face. 

“Leave us alone” said Leia, her voice broken by the tears but still as commanding as always.  
“General, we cannot do that” said a woman’s voice, but Ren didn’t look at her, didn’t want to see nor he cared who the woman was, some security guard, he only had eyes for his mother. 

“Leave” said Leia, and it was final. Many exited the room, only a few remained, laser guns pointed at Ren, like he wouldn’t be able to deflect them or snap their necks first. The same voice spoke again “we cannot risk you General Organa, he already killed General Solo”  
“I would never kill her” he sneered, all his hate and fury in his voice. But he had been screaming for so long in the darkness of his cell that it came out like a whisper. 

The next thing Leia did, was astonishing. Ren knew she was strong in the Force. But he never could have guessed she actually knew how to use it. Leia moved her fingers, nothing noticeable unless you were kneeling in front of her like Ren was, and the remaining guards abandoned the room, locking the doors behind them.

Leia then kneeled before Ren and freed him from the restrains. She even helped him to a chair, when it was clear that he wouldn’t be able to reach one on his own. She was kneeling before him, and Ren worried that the action was too hard on her knees. His mother had always complained of pain in her knees… 

He couldn’t look at her. It was too much for him. He wasn’t sure if he could bear to look at her at all. He was fill with so much regret and shame, and pain, the sensation that he was something shameful that shouldn’t be looked at, not even by accident. Leia took his hands in hers and kissed them gently. She smiled at him, a sweet, tender smile, and forced him to look at her, her hand under his chin making it impossible to avoid. 

They looked at each other, for seconds, minutes, for Ren, it was hours, and years, and millennia, he looked at her with awe and surprise. Because that woman, the wife of the man he murdered when he only had wanted to rescue his son, the woman he had shunned and rejected so vehemently for years, was looking at him with the very same tenderness she showed him when he had nightmares as a child.   
Ren’s eyes were full of tears, and seeing matching tears pool in her mother’s eyes made him start sobbing inconsolably. Leia started crying too, hugging him to her breast as he encircled her with his arms, the position strange and straining, the act itself awkward and clearly unfamiliar for both of them, but Leia hugged him harder, like she didn’t want to let him go, and Ren tightened his embrace, sobbing uncontrollably in his mother’s arms.

“I’m sorry, Force, I’m so sorry, I… just… I’m so sorry” he muttered, Leia caressed his hair, and started humming, just like when he was a child. Just like before. Ren cried even harder. He continued “I Kept hearing you all, calling me back to the light, but, but, I was so useless, I thought, Oh Force, I was so wrong, mother, so wrong, I… he… what I have done….What have I done? Why would you let me live? You helped us, you took us in, I… you should kill me. I deserve it”

Leia smiled, wiped his tears and kissed his brow. “Why did you flee? Why didn’t you let Snoke kill the only thing attaching you to the light?” Ren looked away. It made him feel bad that it hadn’t been his parent’s love what called to him in the end, but the soul he saw reflected in Hux’s mind when they made love or cuddled together in their rooms.

“I couldn’t let him get hurt because of me” Leia squeezed his hand encouragingly “and?” Ren looked at her “I know, I know what happened. I knew before he gave the order. He shot at me, because he knew Hux would step in the middle. He knew he was going to protect me. I’m the one who can stop plasma beams. I could have deflected it, or… stop it, or something but” Leia got up and petted Ren’s hair “But he wouldn’t let him hurt you, would he? This general of yours?” 

Ren smiled sweetly, tenderly, thinking of Hux “That silly idiot. No he wouldn’t. I confess he has been cleaning after me for so long I cannot remember when it began. I didn’t understand my actions, not until I thought I might lose him. Until I felt what so carelessly I dealt to others in my own flesh and my own soul. Mother I…”

“You are sorry. I know. Ben, my son, I have known. I have felt it. Even with all his power, Snoke cannot keep a mother away from his son. We have been with you all this time, your father and I, and we will be with you, always” Ren felt more tears running down his cheeks at his mother’s words.

“How did I end up like this? I only wanted you to be proud of me… and… and…” he sniffed and his voice broke “Look at me now. I’m the monster the parents warn their children about in the night. I am nothing, I have lost all I was before Snoke took me in, and what I became makes me feel ashamed of myself… I have been, for some time, it just took more time than I thought to realize it” ragged sobs escaped him, and were so strong that all of him shook fiercely.

Leia sat by his side, her arms around him. Her presence in the Force was a gentle one, clear, and warm, calm and forgiving. She enfolded him, clearing away the darkness that had clanged to him during his imprisonment and his little personal battle with Snoke. Leia frowned and stiffened, and grew cold after noticing the signs and realizing what they meant. 

“He called you” it wasn’t an accusation. She was stating a fact. “He hurt you” that, definitely, was a raged filled accusation, the indignation of a mother that had found her cub hurt without reason. Ren nodded, and looked away “I… he taunted me, he wanted to punish me, to bind me in the shadows, he didn’t expected Hux to live long enough for me to escape with him or reach you. I was too distracted taking care of him before, to pay any attention to his calls. But then, well, they took him away, and he snared me when I lowered my shield trying to find him”

Leia gently touched his bruised face “That’s why you are like this? Did he force you to hurt yourself?” the ‘if someone had hurt you just say it now and I will deal with them was implicit in her tone’ Ren shrugged “It was easier to deflect him if I was in pain, I kept hitting myself until it was over” Leia’s force presence around him intensified, like she would be able to cloak him against Snoke’s attacks. Ren had, in the end, been able to be in enough pain as to escape and shut down his mental shield firmly around him, but he could felt him probing, even now. His mother took care of that soon enough, and the horrible sensation of his former master’s mind against his disappeared.  
Leia kept hugging him, but averted her eyes, turned her face, and Ren knew that this was it. Probably Hux had died, just as Snoke said, and She had requested a few moments with her only son before she gave him the terrible new and then a bunch of soldiers or Skywalker himself came in to finish him of before he went mad and slaughtered them all. The sad thing was, that, without Hux, Ren didn’t thought he would want to live on. It would be like trying to keep living without heart and lungs and legs and arms. He would rather die. Once again, he knew his feeling for the General, well, former general now, were strong, but he surprised himself at how intense they were, of course Snoke would have noticed. Of course he would have wanted to dispose of them. A rabid dog is only useful while you are the one yanking the chain.

Force, How many times had he joked and called Hux Emperor? 

And with that, he realized something else. Snoke, was afraid of him. Afraid of Ren and what he could do. It wasn’t because he had strayed from the path, or was too weak to serve. He had got it all wrong. Snoke, Snoke had realized that he wasn’t the one yanking the metaphorical chain and had tried to eliminate the obstacle, but What had he done instead? He had hurt the only thing that had, in the end, linked him to the First Order irrevocably. Because Hux believed the Order would bring peace and prosperity and was committed to the cause, and Ren, Ren had committed himself to Hux. It had been something gradual, that happened before he could realize it. Ren had long ago accepted that his crimes implied that Ben Solo was no more, and only Kylo Ren remained, because they were too terrible to forgive. He had been trapped in the end, with only pleasing Snoke as his only mission, because he had no other options.

Until Hux. Hux had showed him that it was more than the power and the Force. There was laugh and smiles and love in this world. And evening cuddling, and cats and jokes and friendly sparring and insulting each other until the argument was over and they fucked each other senseless. 

Leia looked at him, and her eyes were full of determination. Whatever she was going to ask, it took her a lot of time to mentally prepare herself. Ren waited, nervous and afraid.

“Why did you leave us, Ben? Why did you do… all those things?” Ren sighted. He had to answer her, but how? He could barely answer himself after asking the same question during his trip to the resistance territory. He stood up and started to pace around the room. He couldn’t tell while looking at her.

“I… you were always busy, Dad and you” force, it hurt to think of him, of what had he done. The things would be so different if he had just took his hand…

“And I thought, I thought that, if I could do that, being a jedi, I mean, you would be proud. You would love me. See me. And then I realized I was a complete failure. Too much energy, less patience I know uncle Luke was at his wits end. Everyone was better than I was at everything. And Dad and you were always arguing. I knew it was my fault. I wasn’t what you wanted. I failed”

“oh, Ben, It wasn’t like that, it wasn’t like that baby…” Ren gave her a sad smile, and Leia stop speaking.

“One day, I was trying to meditate. Reciting the code over and over and over again, but I wasn’t able to do it. And out of nowhere, he came to me. Told me I was doing it wrong. He taught me how to do it better. And I was good on it. Using all those emotions, all the conflict, the fear, the rage… the insecurities. Everything became easier. And I was so proud, that I had stopped being such a useless padawan… but then I showed you, and you all looked at me with such… disgust… horror… I didn’t knew, you never explained… it hurt.”

“It was frightening, Ben, that one day we visited you and you were surrounded by darkness. Luke said something was amiss, that you were using techniques that he had thought were your own, that you had gotten better really fast, but that something was irking him… and when we arrived, I don’t know how is that he didn’t notice, maybe he was blinded by his love for you, or the change was so gradual he didn’t notice, but you weren’t only our little boy anymore. The darkness that surrounded you was terrible. And I’m at fault here. We didn’t know what to do, and so, while we searched for an answer, a solution, we let it fester inside you, but you disappeared, and we couldn’t find you at all” 

Ren sat in the floor and rested his back against the door. He closed his eyes and grimaced. This was the horrible part. The shame that would haunt him forever. Because anything that he had done after, hadn’t ever been as bad as that first slaughter.

“I didn’t want you to find me. Snoke lead me to him. Trained me. Everything that made me such a terrible Jedi made me a great Sith. And then he came to me, said I was ready to lead. He gave me the knights, The Knights of Ren. I know they were his, but I felt important. I was Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren. But Snoke said, that I had to earn my place. Show my worth. He sent me to the temple”  
The screams, the cries, the people he had trained with. He had been so biased by the imagined slights against him. After he had killed the first child, Ren had lived the whole thing like a holomovie. He was and wasn’t himself. And with every death, Ben Solo disappeared, and Kylo Ren was born.

“Even when I realized what I had done, It was too late. The blood was on my hands… I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t look at you knowing that you knew what I had done. What I had become. So I moved on. I had killed Ben Solo, and had to live Kylo Ren’s life…”

Leia kneeled before him, crying and they hugged again.

“You could have come back anytime, we love you so much Ben, so much, we never lost hope, because we knew there is light in you”

“I was trapped, couldn’t… couldn’t go back…. And then, I knew that Snoke would kill me, and I’m such a coward, I kept doing what he said to stay alive… and… and… I have done… so many… horrible things…so many… I don’t know why you didn’t kill me. You should have. You should do it. I’m the monster everyone says I am” he hiccupped and sobbed and cried on his mother’s shoulder. Leia soothed him the best he could while crying a river herself. 

“And Hux?” she asked. Ren was finding difficult to speak about the man when he could very well be dead “is he even alive?” Leia dried his tears and smiled “Alive and in a bacta tank for the time present, I would take you to him later, after all, you are a complete mess. A visit to the hospital wing would benefit you” 

Ren sighted. A bacta tank. For sure he would make a full recovery. Thank the Force for that. He smiled and sniffed.

“Hux hated my guts for months. I was a nuisance in his ship that broke panels and bothered the personnel, and we never agreed in anything. I was more brute strength and he was a tactician. You will like him, he is a great strategist”

“But you have feelings for each other” stated Leia. “Well. Yes. It started like an accident. A one time thing. One second we were arguing and the next we were in bed. Just an error. But it kept happening, and we kind of… well… we, in the end, came around. After all, there is nothing like a mission gone wrong and having to wait two months to be rescued in the middle of nowhere’s rainy forest to get along. We had a lot of time to…” he blushed and looked away “talk. We talk, we had a few accidents, and after crying over someone not so unconscious body, is difficult to take back what you said”   
Leia chuckled and petted Ren’s hair.

Ren looked at her deadly serious. “I offer you my loyalty and my strength; I would fight for the New Republic and the Resistance. I would do anything you ask, be it slaughtering your enemies or clean the base on my knees. If you would take us in. I have privileged information about the Order. Hux has even more. And he is an excellent leader. A tactician of great renown, after all, he is the only general of the first order who has won a battle against you, Mother.” 

“The information alone would be enough for us to reach an…agreement. But I must warn you that the cleaning stuff idea is more than possible. They won’t trust you with anything important or close to the action Ben”

“I know, and I understand, I wouldn’t trust me either” Leia got on her feet and helped him up. Linking their arms together, she smiled at him “first, let’s visit Mister Hux and get you some medical attention. After that, The leaders will tell you what we have decided to do with you two and last but foremost, you are going to take a shower and get some clean clothes. I love you son, but you reek”

Leia opened the door, and a bunch of people fell into an undignified heap at their feet. Ren was astonished, Where they eavesdropping? The people that hadn’t fall but were filling the corridor scattered like leaves to the wind faster that anyone would have thought possible, and the people in the heap untangled themselves as fast as they could and left. At the bottom of the pile, Poe Dameron and the rogue trooper, Finn, were half crushed by the rest of the spies and were slower on running away. By the time they got to their feet, Leia had that look Ren had seen many times before. It was her Mother mode, and they were in big trouble.

Finn was blushing and visibly ashamed of having been caught eavesdropping, while Poe wasn’t ashamed at all. He hadn’t a single hair out of place and was busy dusting of his new jacket that matched Finn’s. 

“Sorry General Organa, We were… just… hem….CLEANING THE CORRIDOR, THAT’S IT… just… hem…. We…we…” Finn was sweating and growing more and more nervous with each passing minute. Poe took a look at him, looked at Leia and flashed them both a charming smile. Poe’s eyes were kind of red, just as Finn’s, and the rogue trooper seemed to have been crying even now a few tears escaped his eyes. Ren was impressed, his mother had to be truly frightening. “Sorry General, we were cleaning the door! And we just finished, so, since it’s clean, we are leaving, because we have other doors to clean, and, well, see you around, bye!” Poe grabbed the other man’s arms and dragged him out of there.

Leia cleaned her throat and gave an unimpressed look to their retreating backs. “Well, dearest, let’s get you to the Hospital, Shall we?” and dragged Ren, who was gaping at the gall of those two, in the opposite direction.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the story, please, leave a comment, It encourages me to keep writing.
> 
> Love
> 
> Luna


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